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The most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do was learn to love the reflection in the mirror. My earliest memories of my consciousness are full of self loathing. I can’t. I’m not good enough. These were my internal mantras.

Everyone made fun of my lips and ears. Both too big for my head as a boy. I was bullied in Middle School as well and that coupled with the feeling that I just never fit in helped to create a damaged psyche that created its own demonic sub personality in order to protect the bullied scared child.

Every person that bullied me was a popular kid. An athlete. A good student. So consequently my pleas fell on deaf ears in the faculty. I became labeled as the bad kid. The trouble maker. So by sophomore year I grew into my label. I began hell raising and fighting and basically being that little shit kid I was accused of being.

I was expelled from school 3 times. Suspended countless times. I was getting straight D’s & F’s and my excuse was that “I’m stupid“. Standardized IQ tests (I was forced to take 4 times) proved that my being stupid was not the case. Therefore discipline was escalated and teachers took even less interest in me and my problems.

It should be noted that not everyone can learn in the same fashion. My IQ was/ is high. But I can’t learn in a classroom. I have the ability to reverse engineer anything and completely understand how and why it works. I comprehend exceptionally well what I read. But put me in a classroom with someone talking at me and in a minute I’ll be asleep. But engage me in a conversation and I’ll have total recall for the rest of my life.

My long term memory is the stuff of legend among those who know me.

Back to learning how to love myself. It truly took the extreme situation of prison and the realization that I did that to myself before I began to work on it. And as soon as I did, things began to change for the better. After I realized that I was my own worst enemy and that every single bad thing that ever happened to me was of my own making it became my mission to change. And after I did make changes my ability to tolerate others treating me in a manner less than my standards became nonexistent. I broke ties with ev dysfunctional person I knew. I rekindled functional friendships and things got better. Easier.

Self love, self respect is as you’d expect, it’s own reward. I now associate and surround myself with better people. Educated people. Like minded people. Not that there is not value in life long friendships, but realizing that you are different and seeking out those who share your mindset is not wrong. I love deeply my childhood friends. I’d take a bullet for any of them. But we are not children any longer. I am an adult with my own valid beliefs and convictions. I am worthy. As is every single person. And I’ll not keep quiet about the things I hold dear. Things like, human rights, and equality. Likewise the things I abhor like racism, bigotry and homophobia.

We are all Gods Children.

...all men are created equal... not all white men. Not all rich men. Not all straight men. ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL

Back soon.